Take your tie off, throw out your textbooks, load up TikTok – we do things a little differently around here. And c’mon son, no handshakes, have a hug, you’re Chancellor of the Exchequer now. Hello, I’m Andy Burnham and welcome to Burnham’s Britain. The sound you hear? That’s just track nine from the Oasis album Dig Out Your Soul, “Ain’t Got Nothin’”. I bought it at Piccadilly Records and I am playing it because, well, we do things a little differently around here.
No, really, get the tie off! It’s not Buckingham Palace! Now, what is Manchesterism? Well, the first thing to say is never feel like you have to explain yourself. But really? It’s about putting people back into the heart of politics. People with no ties on, of course. It’s also about buses. And empowering ordinary blokes to say “political economy” without ever having to know what they mean when they say it.
You will have seen me outside Downing Street on Monday afternoon (20 July), officially getting the keys to my new digs. I prefer it up in Makerfield, where I am an MP, or Manchester, where I was mayor. It’s posh down here – and before you ask, no, there is no middle class in the north. Absolutely not. Now where was I? Yes, outside Downing Street after saying bye to Keir (nice bloke, would love to have a pint one day), I did something truly revolutionary. I gave my speech no notes, no lectern. Why? Because I am putting you back at the heart of politics, politics back into your heart. Your lungs. And, well – we do things a little differently around here.
I hear you. For too long politics has been in the hands of the establishment who don’t have Manches-sorry, the country’s best interests at heart. They lined their pockets and they let the regions crumble. I, but a lowly career politician, will not let that cycle continue. I’m different. Keir (no, nice bloke really!) was the son of a toolmaker, but I am an Everton season ticket holder. He went to Oxford – I, on the other hand, went to Cambridge. He was a North London barrister. And me? I was just chief secretary to the Treasury from 2007-2008.
But how am I going to change not just Britain’s government, but the way it is governed? Well – ties off, don’t make me ask again – with Oasis and buses and pies. Only teasing! (See, self-aware, too.) No, what’s my big idea? I call it No 10 of the North – just a simple policy from a simple lad. We’re going to decentralise key government functions to Manchester, where I was mayor. People say it’s because I have an anti-London bias, but that’s not true at all. I’m doing it because the one thing all civil servants tell me – their mate Andy – is that they want more bureaucratic friction back at the heart of government. I listen, and I act. I give speeches without notes.
I also want to end party infighting, squabbling and factionalism. Because that takes you away from the heart of politics, it keeps politics away from your gallbladder. To show how dedicated I am to the cause, I fired almost every discernible ally of Keir Starmer (fantastic bloke) on my very first day. We do things a little differently around here.
But I am a soft lad, really, with sad, “sad, beautiful” eyes. I have favourite poems and poets – Larkin, of course. It will be the law in Burnham’s Britain for soft lads with sad beautiful eyes to memorise “Love Songs in Age”. But I also like “V” by Tony Harrison. Written during the miner’s strike, you know? And full of profanity because, well, I’m not an uptight prig like the rest of ’em! I’m nice. I like Middlemarch. I have an English degree and I hugged John Healey when I made him Chancellor of the Exchequer.
You might say I’m just Keir Starmer with a few more turns in the microwave – warmer, friendlier, more approachable. I am all of those things, of course, but I am no Keir. I play centre forward, he’s more of a box-to-box midfielder. I’m committed to putting you back at the heart of politics. And politics? I’ve put it in your liver. Pancreas too. I have a northern accent. And, erm, standards, political economy, values! He wears a tie.
[Further reading: Andy Burnham becomes PM amid the yelling and singing of history]
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Subscribe here to commentA little too on the nose, possibly?
I appreciate a bit of fun and this is a bit of fun. I just wish the serious analysis was as entertaining . No one seems to know what Andy will do about anything important. Blair and Brown were on the opposition benches for three years toning their policies. Now we expect a miracle a day from Andy.
Andy identifies as coming from the skilled upper working class/lower middle class of Liverpool. I came from the unskilled lower working class of Luton. Now he is Prime Minister and a member of the elite and I am middle/middle class. I have a season ticket to Luton Town FC. I know my place as does my football team. I wish him good luck all the same.
Noticed that NS left the whippets out of this gag. Dog friendly Andy is everyone’s friend unlike that nasty southerner Farage who kicks dogs allegedly ,everybody except those ministers who didnt rush to abandon Starmer after Makerfield. Loyalty is priceless in Andy’s cabinet except that it hasnt got a price and is therefore worthless. Anyway to the business of the day,capturing the headlines flooding the zone in neocon terms,with incremental changes that generally offend no one apart from Kemi who?
Excellent and exceptional prose.